Feeling Vulnerable

Being vulnerable

As I sit here in the morning, in the quiet, in the stillness, I have a lot of thoughts going through my head.  It has truly been a rough week, but one in which I’ve learned a lot.  I had a situation in which I am being called on the carpet for something which, though partially something I could have prevented, wasn’t totally something I could have.   also, almost got called on the carpet for doing exactly the right thing, but it would have been fine because I did do the right thing.  I did not sleep at all well last night, have been up since close to 4.  I will make it with lots of coffee, I do believe, but it won’t be easy.

Merv also confronted me about two things last night.  I still have issues with focus.  I just can’t seem to multitask, not at all.  why do I continually think I can?  I had gone to prayer in the interactive Christian community yesterday morning, and I kept my iPhone playing the local radio station.  he said, “How can you focus on God, on your prayer?  I couldn’t.”  He couldn’t, and he is the king of multitasking!  that should tell you something.  Truth is, I didn’t.  I need to realize, anew, that when I am focused on something, i need to focus on that one thing and not do other things.  I get fidgety and want to do other things, but it doesn’t work.  when will I learn this?  Hopefully, it took this time.  hopefully, I can learn this lesson!

Last night, we were watching a movie, a movie we had seen before, and I had a podcast on.  he said, “Now you see why i don’t want to watch movies with you.  you weren’t even here.”  i felt I was.  I did hear everything, but I wasn’t fully with him.  how can I sit there and say I care and want to spend time with him?  my actions are not proving it.  I think they are; I think it’s all ok, but it’s all in perception.

I was going to go to the ACB meeting, American Council of the Blind, local chapter, this weekend, but I have decided not to.  I need to spend more time with Merv, need to rest, need to reflect and evaluate.  Also, there are just things I want to do and help him with on the computer.  We are both learning Windows 8.1, though I have used it longer and do use it at work, so am hoping to help him with some things to help his computer be set up better for him, particularly visually.  He can’t really see the screen, but there are backgrounds on there right now that hurt his eyes.  I also need new pants.  mine are falling down around me.  Losing weight is a good thing, and I am down 56 pounds now, but having pants fall down is not a good thing.

That is another thing; i am beating myself up for not having exercised this week.  Well, next week is a new week, and I shall endeavor to get up earlier and do it.  today isn’t a good one to even try because of my stomach and a little lightheaded from lack of sleep.  coffee, anyone?

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